I’m sure this surprised a few people, and maybe to some it wasn’t such a surprise…I guess I’m just that predictable when it comes to my passions if that’s the case. When I ended the review back last July I had no intention on bringing it back. I was burnt out on reviews. Honestly even reading comics at the speed I had to in order to record an on time review was majorly burning me out on comics. I had lots of plans and ideas I’d set into motion the moment I ended the review and honestly most went according to how I wanted them to…but Dark Avenger just didn’t feel right. So what led me down the path to return the reviews? Sit back while I try to explain the method to my madness and what I plan for the future.
I won’t go into all the details again on what I had planned after the comic review or the building I plan to do in 2020. It does play into both of those a little though. So when I concluded the reviews, I moved forward and set several plans into motion. What I didn’t expect was events that followed after. Most of the end of last year was, to describe in one word, insane! So much went on at once and then holidays hit, follow all that up with dads passing and then my daughter being born a whole month early…yeah it’s been a crazy ride for the past almost half a year. So with all of this going on YouTube and video making took a back seat. I originally planned on doing a series call “the comic spotlight” which would be a light version of the DA Comic Review, before that would be the spotlight which took over the comic book haul series. On paper it all looked amazing; it all looked like a perfect schedule. Once everything in life started happening as good as all that looked on paper…all of that work started to fall behind and get postponed or shelved. The schedule was falling apart before it even truly had a chance to shine and my life got way crazier than it should have been.
September is where it all started; it was one hell of a month. A whole month filled with unnecessary, and some stupid drama. The drama just came from all across the board that month, no details or names because I’m way over that and 2019 now. There was a major need for healing after that, and a bit of reformatting again sadly due to a few OTHER reasons. Things just didn’t feel right, like I thought I had this perfect plan…but it just didn’t fit, well, ME. At this time also a lot of the original people that were in my circle of comic reviews and video makers started to take breaks or stopped making videos completely. It was very sad to see them go, and on top of all the drama it added to the sadness.
*Note: This was all I kept from original post from this point on it’s been 2 weeks since the above writing. After some DEEP self searching and realization I learned a lot recently and it definitely has a lot to do with the comic reviews and Dark Avenger in general!
Everything I do, I do out of passion. I have a huge love and passion for comic books, whether it’s writing, reading, discussing, or reviewing comic books. I LOVE the comic community, media, and industry. I lost my way the past few years. One thing you can’t do is share your passion and what you do with people that just don’t understand. I had conflicting voices in my head for a while, leading to me feeling burnt out not just with comics, it was with video making, writing…everything. There was one side being passive aggressive and shaming my dreams and goals. Then there was the other side that was pushing and supporting me to move forward towards my dreams and goals.
I was just not seeing the results other people were impossibly expecting of me and my work, telling me I should reach that or I should do something different completely. I took it in and honestly believed I needed those results or “why am I doing this”…forgetting the fun, the love, and the passion. I had A LOT of help from my friends Mike (Spider-Slayer), Kat, and Brant trying to get me motivated again and to help me grow. Honestly if not for them, I don’t know where I would be today, because if not for their uplifting, support, and help…I might have quit in this time. Having support from people like JD (the media jack) and the guys over at BOGG helped immensely as well.
I didn’t have focus anymore and I was bouncing all over the spectrum. Honestly I knew what I wanted to do, but I just couldn’t get it right or back to the feel the videos had. Frustration definitely set in as well at this point, seeing everyone growing and still staying in the place I was or actually LOWER. I started to dislike a lot more, complain, and criticize certain things a lot more to an almost annoying level even to myself. I was so close to quitting it all, just focusing on vlogs and not bothering with anything with the word “review” in it again. Six months, SIX MONTHS after I ended the review I had no clue what Dark Avenger was becoming.I know the viewers were feeling it too. Where did it all go wrong, at first I believe the drama from September, the stress that followed for months and the death of my Father in January…after all the hell that happened within those six monthsI thought I just missed doing the reviews, no, it went much deeper than that!
It all started with cutting of the side that didn’t understand my dreams and goals, the ridiculed towards what I was doing. With all of those people gone, the light started to crack through again, and things started to become SUPER clear. It just took a few statements, a few twists of truth, and a few moments of just figuring out myself and what I wanted to do. Taking those statements and sharing them with my friends who quickly laughed and said how those statements are so false and asinine. That’s where I started to feel something, at first it was just a tiny glimmer, a whisper of something I hadn’t felt in a while. Then more and more time passed, the anger and hurt towards everything started to subside and I saw more and more.
Then the end of January came. I stated at the beginning of the year this was going to be a year of growing; growing my viewers, expanding on content and series I was doing and I might have done in the past. I just knew at the end of January I wanted to do something with comics again, I missed doing my reviews. I honestly don’t know what made me think of the Dark Avenger Comic Reviews, it’s just was on my mind one night, and the first song that popped into my head was the “Welcome Back Kotter” theme. It was that combination that just made me want to bring the show back. Like I said in the beginning of the year “this is the year of growth”, the review would return with a few changed.
The first four episodes were a lot of fun to record and just like that I remembered how much I LOVED talking comics. Even with the ability to skip a week if I wanted I hadn’t, I didn’t want to. Then I started thinking about other series I did before and how I can change them up, update, evolve and make them into something more than they were before. The passion was coming back, thinking on other series, wanting to get into more books. All that burn out, all that annoyed feeling when it came to companies, books, and creative teams just slowly started to disappear.
This past week we all were having a conversation about our comic shops and just comic shops in general. Mike (spider slayer) actually shared a channel “Comic Book Palace”, and I was curious. So I watched the first episode later on that night, oh my god, it honestly made me miss having a comic shop to go to. I ended up watching all of the episodes. It just solidified all those feelings I lost so long ago, why I love talking comics, why I love reading comics, why I love WRITING comics…by the time I finished the series I think I was hooked on a few books I passed up a year prior and even got interested in a few things shown. With all the negativity gone and now nothing but support, encouragement, and a huge kick in the pants to get me to wake up…the old feelings were back again.
Then this past weekend came and I got into a deep conversation with a friend, I won’t mention who in case they want to stay anonymous. It just became a discussion of “if you’re passionate about it you’ll do whatever it takes to get to where you want to be”. I think all the realization that had welled up inside of me from the past month now amplified by the comic shop series I just watched, I just exploded with it all. I just let all of it out, and getting it all out finally I woke up completely. All the road blocks I made for myself or ones that were made by others just faded away and things felt like they use to again.
So am I happy I brought the reviews back? Hell yeah I am, to be honest I’m more driven now than I was 5 years ago. If I learned anything through all of this it’s to have more of a solid focus, take time to grow, and don’t be influenced by people that don’t understand your goals/dreams but clearly don’t get/know you very well either. Sad to say I know someone in the exact same place I was in, and they are way easier to influenced than I was. It’s upsetting, but sadly sometimes people need to see it for themselves outside those rose colored glasses. Continue down this path at your own risk my friend, I hope them the best, and gods protection. You know a phrase I heard a lot last year was “stay on the ball”. I’ll say here exactly what I told several people that said that to me. I’d rather stay on solid ground and stay focused and centered…I’m not a circus act. I know it’s just a saying but still yeesh.
I messed up, I let things get in my head for years and it absolutely impacted my work and my passion. I feel like saying “I’m sorry” to everyone that truly loved my older material before the channel change ups and burn out is not enough. I certainly feel I deserved what I got and how it impacted my channel and videos. I unfortunately lost myself, and even after thinking I found myself again I still was lost. I’m not perfect, never said I was and never wish to be. I hate how it took me years to get to the point I am now, but its better than never seeing it. I know at this point just saying “things are going back to the way they were and this time it will be different” will not convince everyone. I know talk is very cheap, so I don’t expect anyone to just come back to the channel, reviews, or videos because of my words alone. I intend to back up my words this time with actions.
i failed. I failed myself and I failed all of you. We all fall down sometimes, what makes us stronger and smarter is we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and try again. I owe it to everyone who’s ever watched myself, and especially myself to do that here. This is what I do, and while I do have many things I’m passionate about comic books have always been number one. I am sorry for how things were before, that wont happen again. I can’t promise I wont make mistakes along the way, but I can promise that I will do the best I can each and every review, video, or post.
I’m still dedicated to making this my year of growth. 2020 just started and there’s still so much to do. I have some really cool ideas, and this year I AM going to do them all! I’m still the Dark Avenger, always was, am, and will be, and no one can ever take that from me. Thank you to everyone who took the time out to read this, and who take the time out to enjoy all the content I put out all across the internet. Look forward to lots more really, really soon.
Before I end this I want to leave you all with a little teaser. This week is Friday the 13th! I mentioned on twitch I would be doing a special stream for the day, then I got to thinking…I haven’t done a Dark Avenger LIVE in a while, and a few people have asked when the show was coming back. I can’t think of a better date, let’s do a Dark Avenger LIVE before we do our F13 stream on twitch, hell let’s stream Dark Avenger LIVE on twitch as well! So anyone that wants to talk about this post, comics, games, news, and etc, come by DarkAvengerC86 at 9PM (Eastern). 2020 may have started off dark in my corner of the world, but I’m shining a light right back through the darkness. Who’s with me?!