Trying to Be OK

When it comes to posts like this its good to do it all in one sitting, no edits, filters, or censors. I use to do these all the time so this should be a walk in the part…except it’s been years since I’ve actually written stuff like this. Walking always gives my mind a chance to think, I’ve come up with my best story ideas EVER while just walking somewhere. Then there are other times where I’m just thinking about life. Now that’s a mix bag of either myself thinking of the past, stuff going on in the present, or hell me playing out past events, but if I had the chance how I would do over or say over certain things.

Lately though, over the past year I would say…things have been tough. This is not including global events and pandemic of late…which have been hard on everyone. For me though it’s been something more. This I can already feel is going to be difficult to write as I’ve already taken several breaks while hardly putting anything down. So YES this is going to be a very internal (ME) kind of post and since I and this site haven’t really been super active and just started that means it doesn’t matter really to many people. This is not me complaining or bitching about life. If anything this is me wanting to share what I’m going through in the hopes that it shows others you can go through hell and still stand tall even if right now your not ok, working through it you can be ok…and I know I’ll be ok again. My therapy was always writing so very much this is my medicine.

It all started at the end of last year, and again its not one specific moment more like several moments that happened literally one after the other not giving me a chance to breathe. Now this first situation is a tricky one, and one I really won’t go too deep into because it’s more personal. This is a situation where several people got involved in when they shouldn’t have already and it led to a lot of hard feelings. So I’m going to say this now I want NO ONE to get involved, no one to pick a side…as a matter of fact there is NO side and that’s that. Sigh, well I gave this as much of a lead in as I can and covered all bases so here we go.

So as everyone knows by now Michael moved out at the end of last year, lets just say it was NOT your typical way to move out. Let’s just say the method of which it all happened was a day of surprise and anything but joyful. That’s as detailed as I’ll go when it comes to this. This is more a family matter, but it was where it all began so it needs to be shared to get the full picture. This also led to other things with other people that were involved, things that were said to me that were very-very hurtful by people I trusted with…basically everything in my life. So ways parted sadly on really harsh terms there, also I blame the internet a bit because of false information I was given but since tensions were already high it just made things explode and we parted ways.

One thing now is my trust is way guarded now with people outside of my close friend circle. For a while I let certain things stick in my head. Like “if you think I’m what you say I am I’ll be that and show you how good I am at being that”. THAT never stuck, because everything I am is not that. I went through hell as a child inside and out, I had my battles and I came out the man I am today. I am everything I say I am, sometimes maybe even more! I don’t give myself enough credit because I believe I can be better. Am I perfect HELL NO, and I’d never want to be. I’ve made REALLY bad decisions in my life time, I have all the best intentions but unfortunately they were still really bad. Sadly I have hurt a handful a people, which I wish I could make right.

Still I try to be the best person I can be. So hearing people say I’m not who I say I am, actually I am, you may not see it cause of situations, but I am. Again not mister perfect though! It’s just frustrating when people do that, and when its people your close with that’s like a stab right through the heart. In the end I always say believe what you want. I know people who believe they’re perfect, and opinions are always right. Trust me no one is right all the time. If I’ve learned anything through all of this it’s that hanging on to what is said, just being angry at the person or dwelling only makes it worse. End of the day I forgive all that was said, even if they don’t want it, and move on…I just don’t have time for hate and anger in my life. Wow severe derail back on course!

What a lot of people know and some of you may not is Michael and I were a team. Like the Young Bucks/Hardy Boyz, we were a team in everything we did. Mike and I created and made our hit group the Brooklyn Boyz. That was a group we built together with our friends. We also helped and worked with each other on almost all the projects we did on our own separate channels. On my channel in fact Michael not only worked with me since day one on there, but we became a team on my channel. Whether behind the camera or in a video next to me he was mostly always there. Let me highlight this a second: other than a handful of videos that he could not be there for Michael was in or with me in every single other video.

Now fast forward to the end of September. So now Mike’s gone, which happened with no warning. My partner and teammate is just literally gone over night. Yes he’s still very close, and said he could come over to record. He DID for a few unboxing videos actually. However having my own responsibilities and stuff I had to deal with, most of my regular videos recording happens in the late night or if I get the chance in the moment. So 5 mins away, 5 blocks away, 5 miles away, 5 states away it doesn’t matter. So I started recording on my own. In the beginning it was a very weird feeling, it was for a long time. I’ve gotten a lot better at doing videos on my own now. Still feels a bit weird, but in time I’m sure it will fade…though I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.

People have noticed and they ask questions I just answer with an “I honestly don’t know” or that “he doesn’t live here anymore”. Again if the situation was done in a different way things would have been better and thing would have worked out better. Currently things are very much better than the way they were when it first happened of course. We’ve moved on past that, but the weight of the past is still weighing heavily on me here. Again this is a sensitive situation, so when it comes to this it’s very much a family matter and we’re gonna keep it that way.

After that my father started to get really sick, just as the holidays were coming in. Progressively it got worse and worse. He would talk to my mom and I towards the end a lot. He told us a lot of things, shared feelings he didn’t before. By New Years Eve I started to know, cancer has taken so many people from me. Christmas we were hoping it wasn’t going to be his last, New Years I all but knew. I wanted to be wrong, however it was right in front of me his last few days he said things I don’t even want to remember but HE even knew.

Now let me pause for a minute just to rewind and say my dad and I never had the best relationship. We butted heads A LOT, way more than I think anyone outside of my close family would know. Growing up anyone can tell you my dad and I just didn’t get along. Was he the worst absolutely not, was he the best I wouldn’t say that either. He was that middle ground Dad. I use to have the joke fight with Michael all the time “he’s your Dad not mine” when dad would do something, we’d go back and forth a bit. Never meant anything by it, growing up with my dad though was…something.

All that said about my dad though. Those last few weeks the things he would tell me, the stuff he would share makes me wish THIS was the man I had growing up. That was MY Dad! Knowing I could do nothing to help him was devastating, it kept me up nights. I actually started playing Fortnite the last 2 weeks just to be up cause he’d wake up in the middle of the night and need to be moved cause he was in pain. The night we had to call an ambulance he was having trouble breathing. God, I will never forget this, he was sitting on the couch and we were waiting for them to come. He just…stopped responding. He started staring off into space and there were little very weak grunts. I only told two or three people about this, one said I saw the beginning of his spirits end in his body. They arrived and rushed him to a hospital, the next morning he was gone. I knew, I felt it, I didn’t want to but there it was.

I would not feel the impact of Dads death for a while after. I honestly wouldn’t even get a chance to breathe the day of his funeral/cremation Cindy went into labor. My father just died and now I was off to bring my second child into the world. The whole ride to the hospital all I could keep thinking of was I wish my dad would have held out just a little longer so he could see his grand daughter. He even asked about her 2 nights before he died.

I shared my hospital story about my dad on my vlog so I won’t repeat it again. Now my daughter was born a month early, she was still in the orange. She was put in NICU because she needed a lot of care for her breathing. So for a week and a half I could barely sleep, I just lost my father and now my daughter is in intensive care. The day we brought her home the relief I felt, just knowing she was ok. I believe my dad watched over her while she was in the NICU. I know deep down he saw/sees her where he’s at…selfishly I wanted to see him see her.

At first I honestly felt like I prepared enough for when Dad passed. Maybe it was the timing, maybe it was because of those few months where he was so different, or maybe its because I had no time to really have it in my mind because my baby was born directly after and I was so worried about her. It didn’t take long that it started to sink in and truth is you can NEVER prepare for something like this. Many people and things came and went, but the one thing that was always was my family; myself, my brother, my mother, my father, and my grandmother. I knew time was going to change it, its inevitable but the WAY it all happened…disastrous. Grandma’s dementia, dad’s cancer, Mike leaving the way he did, heartbreaking. I wish we had more time.

You know I walk into the kitchen and I look at the table and I see my family. I see where we all sat and talked. Now two seats empty, my grandma is in a very bad stage of dementia. My mom and I are all that are left of our family in the house. Now I’m the one with the family. I see my mom struggling through all this as well and I try. To her family was everything, and now here we are. I see now how important that was to her, and I’m glad at least I am here to keep her strong. This is where I and my family belong (at least for now). Our family dynamic, as some would call it, was/is very unique. Only we fully understood it, sometimes hated it, sometimes loved it…but it was ours and again why I say no one should try to inject their own point of views or themselves into situations.

My heart hurts. Not like heart attack hurts, emotionally I’ve been handed a lot in such a short span of time. Time has not healed much and with everything in the world going on the way it is now it just makes things worse. So many things put on me, literally over night. I’ve had to deal with fights, betrayals, loss, almost loss, and hurt all on my own. My close friends are there, and lord knows I’ve leaned on a specific person a lot. I just don’t want to over bother people with my problems or my heart pains.

I feel alone in this, even though I know I’m not. It’s a very hard situation, one I know many people are/have been in or worse. A few people asked me if I felt like I wanted to end it all. I honestly don’t, so let me put that worry on anyone’s mind to rest. The stress sucks, the heartache is unbearable at times, I literally feel myself stumble and fall under the pressure, but I get up! That’s just it right, no matter what the odds you always get back up. We all live in a crazy time, especially right now in 2020, this is a year for the history books man.

Ironically as I reach the end of this post, and it has taken me several days to write, this it is Fathers day. My first Fathers Day without my Dad. So it will be very different this year, I will be celebrating but at the same time I will be mourning. Most of my time will be with my family, but especially my mother who clearly will need family around her this year without Dad. Which I don’t mind, I’m not selfish and only thinking it’s “my day or my pain”. I miss him; I miss our family the way it was. Never take for granted what you have because tomorrow is never the same as today, and today is not yesterday.

In closing this is not me complaining. I’m not looking for attention or pity. This is me sharing how I’m feeling, how I’m fighting to over come feeling so hurt and so alone. Please never give up, even if you want to, even if it feels like it will be better to just end it all…its NOT. I know one day my children will have to face losing me like I lost my father, I know they will cry and hurt. So trust me there is someone out there that will hurt if you give up on it all so don’t. My father deserved more time, Cancer is a sickness we need to find the cure for (all types). I just wish I could wake up to my family one more time, enjoy it all one. more. time. I know that’s not how it works, doesn’t mean I can’t wish it.

Time is the greatest healer of all pains. I know I will heal, I know I will get strong again. Now more than ever I have a reason to push harder towards my goals and dreams! It’s no longer just making the dream a reality or proving people who said I can’t do it wrong. Now it’s also in memory of all the people that aren’t here to see when it all happens. Big things are coming I promise all of you that. There wont be announcements, teasers, or trailers. It’s just going to happen. Follow…the shooting star!

This Post Has One Comment

  1. Brant Fowler

    Love you, bro, and thanks for being vulnerable and sharing. Always there for you. Like you said, you’ll get through this, you’re strong, and you’re definitely not alone. Continue to be the best you can be for those in your life and that will bring you strength.

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